Our weekends here in Nicaragua are absolutely incredible! Really a dream. Every week is an exotic vacation to see, smell, taste and experience new and exciting parts of the world with the most wonderful people. The week days though are much less glamorous. In fact, it's really, really hard a lot of the time. I'm not one to dwell on negativity but this is all part of the experience and I want to be able to look back on the good and the bad. I miss my social network so much! I have the most amazing friends and I'm realizing now how much I took for granted the value of great girl friends! In Utah I had my freezer meal group once a month that I looked forward to, neighborhood babysitting co-op that made kid free time a regular occurrence, the Young Women and YW leaders that I miss so much that there's a lump in my throat now! That doesn't even begin to mention my amazing neighbors who would do anything from give me a cup of sugar when I'm out to run over a steam cleaner when kids painted the carpet or laugh instead of call the police when naked toddlers are climbing out of bedroom windows! A good supportive social network is invaluable, and I had the very best!
I've begun to make some friendships here but for the most part I feel very isolated and lonely. The kids also have gone through an "adjustment period." That's a euphemism for, near constant fighting. They miss their friends too. The absence of other social outlets means they only have each other to interact with and that, combined with so many endless changes, has led to too much contention at home.
My kids have always been energetic and active. They are the kind of kids that belong roaming around on a farm all day. In Lehi they enjoyed a lot of freedom once they proved they could be trusted within certain boundaries. Once again, we live in much different circumstances here. Our house is half the size and our back yard is about the size of our Utah driveway. It's also very hot here so outside play is fairly limited during the heat of the day. Most of the other kids in the neighborhood have full time nannies that supervise their every movement. It's not as socially accepted to let my kids ride their bikes around the neighborhood. When they do play outside for a while without being directly under my thumb inevitably one of the neighborhood guards takes it upon herself to act as their nanny then give me a report of their comings and goings when I go out to check on them. That makes me very uncomfortable, not to mention I think it's good for my kids to have independence at times.
A week ago I got a phone call from the preschool teachers asking me to come to a parent teacher meeting that afternoon. It was clearly a call for correction since it was just me and was called for the same day. They explained that one of my boys has had problems with hitting other students at school. Both of the boys continue to run in the classroom even after repeatedly being asked not to. They have a hard time remembering to follow the rules and are causing distractions in class. Also, their uniform shirts have stains and don't I wash their clothes before they come to school? Being a Montessori preschool one of their core tenets is self-care and when they come to school in dirty clothes it makes it impossible to teach about self care. The teachers even loaned them clean shirts and had one of the school's housekeepers try to scrub out stains by hand. Oh wow. This made me feel so bad. Yes, I absolutely wash my children's clothes. The uniforms they are wearing happen to be hand me downs, plus they are 4 year old boys! After this meeting I felt like a complete failure. My kids are the filthy wild ones that hit girls. Great.
I won't go on complaining but living life in a foreign country without friends, extended family or familiar comforts is in many ways very hard. I knew this would be hard. I anticipated that my greatest struggle would be loneliness and isolation. I tried to prepare for this inevitability by setting goals for myself. I feel a strong desire to utilize this experience to make some positive changes in myself and improve myself in certain ways. I have prayed that after we have completed our time here in Nicaragua and it's time to move back to the USA that I will have progressed and be an improved version of myself with new good habits and having left old bad habits behind.
This week some of these struggles came to a head. I was feeling that this is all too hard and I don't want to live here anymore. Logically I know that I'll be able to make more and closer friends here and that in time I'll acquire additional responsibilities that will help me feel needed and more satisfied. Emotionally I didn't want to wait that long and suffer through the challenges to get to that point. As I was tearfully talking this all through with Mitchell on Tuesday night I was inspired with the phrase "The Refiner's Fire is Still Fire." I truly have a desire to take the opportunity now to improve myself and become refined according to what Heavenly Father wants for me. How could I ever do that without experiencing struggles and challenges. I am being stretched in new ways and I am thankful for the growth I have already seen in just a few short (well they feel long) months. I'm thankful for a loving Father in Heaven and His gentle reminder to adjust my perspective while facing challenging experiences. Not only did that phrase help me to change my attitude it also showed me that Heavenly Father understands that things are hard, it's fire! It's not going to be comfortable or easy but He will be at my side. The last couple of days I have had a better attitude and have been blessed as I've remembered "that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." D&C 122:7
One of my most favorite scriptures comes to mind, Isaiah 64:8:
I'm just passing through a few flames, spinning dizzy on the potter's wheel hoping to become a beautiful vase, or even just a useful water jug. We'll see.
I've begun to make some friendships here but for the most part I feel very isolated and lonely. The kids also have gone through an "adjustment period." That's a euphemism for, near constant fighting. They miss their friends too. The absence of other social outlets means they only have each other to interact with and that, combined with so many endless changes, has led to too much contention at home.
My kids have always been energetic and active. They are the kind of kids that belong roaming around on a farm all day. In Lehi they enjoyed a lot of freedom once they proved they could be trusted within certain boundaries. Once again, we live in much different circumstances here. Our house is half the size and our back yard is about the size of our Utah driveway. It's also very hot here so outside play is fairly limited during the heat of the day. Most of the other kids in the neighborhood have full time nannies that supervise their every movement. It's not as socially accepted to let my kids ride their bikes around the neighborhood. When they do play outside for a while without being directly under my thumb inevitably one of the neighborhood guards takes it upon herself to act as their nanny then give me a report of their comings and goings when I go out to check on them. That makes me very uncomfortable, not to mention I think it's good for my kids to have independence at times.
A week ago I got a phone call from the preschool teachers asking me to come to a parent teacher meeting that afternoon. It was clearly a call for correction since it was just me and was called for the same day. They explained that one of my boys has had problems with hitting other students at school. Both of the boys continue to run in the classroom even after repeatedly being asked not to. They have a hard time remembering to follow the rules and are causing distractions in class. Also, their uniform shirts have stains and don't I wash their clothes before they come to school? Being a Montessori preschool one of their core tenets is self-care and when they come to school in dirty clothes it makes it impossible to teach about self care. The teachers even loaned them clean shirts and had one of the school's housekeepers try to scrub out stains by hand. Oh wow. This made me feel so bad. Yes, I absolutely wash my children's clothes. The uniforms they are wearing happen to be hand me downs, plus they are 4 year old boys! After this meeting I felt like a complete failure. My kids are the filthy wild ones that hit girls. Great.
I won't go on complaining but living life in a foreign country without friends, extended family or familiar comforts is in many ways very hard. I knew this would be hard. I anticipated that my greatest struggle would be loneliness and isolation. I tried to prepare for this inevitability by setting goals for myself. I feel a strong desire to utilize this experience to make some positive changes in myself and improve myself in certain ways. I have prayed that after we have completed our time here in Nicaragua and it's time to move back to the USA that I will have progressed and be an improved version of myself with new good habits and having left old bad habits behind.
This week some of these struggles came to a head. I was feeling that this is all too hard and I don't want to live here anymore. Logically I know that I'll be able to make more and closer friends here and that in time I'll acquire additional responsibilities that will help me feel needed and more satisfied. Emotionally I didn't want to wait that long and suffer through the challenges to get to that point. As I was tearfully talking this all through with Mitchell on Tuesday night I was inspired with the phrase "The Refiner's Fire is Still Fire." I truly have a desire to take the opportunity now to improve myself and become refined according to what Heavenly Father wants for me. How could I ever do that without experiencing struggles and challenges. I am being stretched in new ways and I am thankful for the growth I have already seen in just a few short (well they feel long) months. I'm thankful for a loving Father in Heaven and His gentle reminder to adjust my perspective while facing challenging experiences. Not only did that phrase help me to change my attitude it also showed me that Heavenly Father understands that things are hard, it's fire! It's not going to be comfortable or easy but He will be at my side. The last couple of days I have had a better attitude and have been blessed as I've remembered "that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." D&C 122:7
One of my most favorite scriptures comes to mind, Isaiah 64:8:
"But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand."
I'm just passing through a few flames, spinning dizzy on the potter's wheel hoping to become a beautiful vase, or even just a useful water jug. We'll see.
1 comment:
While I didn't get any pictures from this, it was a much needed post for me to read. I am so thankful for siblings with such great insight and knowledge I can gain from them. I married into the best family.
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